I have a lot to accomplish in life yet I have a pile of emotions I have yet to acknowledge. At times I feel as if I'm on autopilot only so I don’t have to acknowledge the mess I found myself in or the conflict that I don’t want to address in my life. At times it’s just easier to work and put everything else in your life on the back burner so you can continue to focus on your professional goals. But what happens when you sit in silence and take a deep breath after burning out?

As an artist it becomes complicated to separate yourself from your work. At times I wish I was Adam Scott from the show Severance. Having the ability to click from my personal consciousness to my work consciousness would be amazing, but I then forfeit my personal life experiences and nuances that influence and  navigate my next photo gallery or exploration. 

I recall coming home from a work trip in Santiago, Chile earlier this year feeling as if I just conquered the world. Prior to my departure I was studying street photographers in New York and was compelled to spend time in the city in order to gain an understanding of that genre of photography. For months I was flying back and forth from North Carolina to New York photographing everyday street life in my spare time. In doing so I was able to squeeze myself into the photography community of New York, experience galleries hosted by my new friends and gain an appreciation of street photographers. Even before flying out to Chile with my team I spent a few days in the city as a form of practice in street photography before applying my knowledge and findings to my trip to Chile. 

Everyday spent in Chile was another stroke onto my canvas as I found myself having heartfelt and wholesome conversations with Chileans which led us to creating a photo together. My heart was full, and my time spent in New York was paying off.  As each day passed I immersed myself deeper into the culture and the streets of Chile which made me not want to return to America despite all of the conflict and disappointment I faced during my stay. What kept my spirits up was photographing my experience, the people I met on my morning walks, knowing that I was able to share my passion and love of art with a stranger. 

After every business trip I spend the first day checking in with my people, my mom, friends, and even my mentors. On this particular trip I was drained beyond comprehension. I couldn’t eat which was never a problem, I didn’t want to listen to music or watch a film, I couldn’t focus my attention on anything to distract my mind from the disrespect and betrayal I faced in Chile but also the mountain of emotions I’ve been running from. As the sun began to set I opened my patio door to soak up the remaining sun rays and as the night began to creep in so did my tears. Moments into the night I found myself crying on my living room floor. Each breath began to grow heavier as the pain continued to hold me down as an anchor. What felt like hours was a mere 30 minutes of my emotions draining from my body leaving me empty and somewhat of a clear mind. At this point all I wanted to do was to go to sleep and start fresh the next day. But as always I picked myself off the floor and began to work on a new project inspired by a good cry.

It’s only a matter of time before I repeat this cycle of pain, delusion, acceptance, and release. Until then let’s work, but cry first if you need to.